Grief is…
📷: Mike Labrum
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
…a peculiar jigsaw puzzle that takes time to work through.
The passing of my spiritual mentor/friend/worship pastor in January 2015 hit me like a ton of bricks. When my grandma passed away unexpectedly in June 2019, I thought it was a lot to process and understand but was difficult to navigate due to some other personal experiences that occurred not long after.
Both losses were people that knew & loved me as I am. They were irreplaceable. Like, who would be able to lift me up when I needed a good word? Who was going to pour into me when I am constantly pouring into others?
So many questions and second guesses passed through my mind after they both transitioned to the spiritual realm of afterlife. Why didn't I call more or how could I have missed this sign or ignored my instincts?
After the loss of my mentor, I went through what I now know as a period of resistance. In the moment, all I knew & felt was I couldn't go on. I stopped going to church and doing things I loved (spending time with friends, volunteering, you know…living my best life 😏). It took about a year before I invested in some coaching & reconnected with God to pull myself out of the dark abyss I found myself trapped in.
It felt so good to feel the closeness of God and to get back into doing what I loved. Through those losses, I learned:
Grief is a journey.
Oddly enough, looking back I've come to realize the experiences before and after such huge losses are there to help you grow. However, that growth can be severely hindered when we're stuck in the darkness not feeling through the feelings. It's very important to slow down and process exactly what you're feeling. Otherwise the darkness will swallow you whole.
My next writing will detail the very recent, totally unexpected, sudden loss of my dad in January. I've come to realize the tremendous amount of growth, discovery, and spiritual maturity that has taken place since the loss of my grandma and that:
Grief is not that bad after all.
📷: Marcus Ganahl
“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”
