A Father's Love
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. ”
December 27, 2020…
A day I'll never forget. Dad called and gave me the most shocking news I want’t expecting. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer and didn't have long. A million thoughts raced through my mind but I couldn't seem to form the words to ask 98% of them. He cried. Dad never cried. It was real.
December 28, 2020…
This day is my little sister's birthday but now competes with the memory forever engrained in my mind…that day my husband, older sister, and I flew across the country to be with our dad. He lived alone and there was no way that I wasn’t going to make a way to be with him. None of us for that matter.
It took practically all day to get there. 3 flights and an hour Uber ride from the airport to his house later and we made it. I knew he said he was not well but I guess I wasn’t prepared for him not to answer the door for us when we arrived. He used an app on his phone to unlock the door after calling him to say we were at the door since he didn't answer after ringing the doorbell.
Walking in and seeing him sitting under a blanket in his reclining loveseat is also an image forever burned in my memory. He was sooooo much smaller than the last time I him. Frail and weak. However, he tried to make our arrival as normal as possible. He ordered Papa John's for dinner. He even attempted to eat a slice. Turned out a few bites was all be could handle.
The days were long and the nights longer. The house was so quiet and dark at night. He couldn't take much noise or bright lighting. We rang in the new year under the same roof but we were all in bed (or in the recliner) by the time the clock struck midnight.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
…or not.
Dad finally asked me to call to setup hospice. He had such a fighting spirit but unfortunately his body was declining. They came Tuesday night and again Wednesday. A few days later, my younger sister, brother & Aunt arrive. It meant the world to him that all of his children were there. He didn't have the strength to talk much but sharing the same space after decades apart spoke volumes.
January 8, 2020…
This was a precious day. Dad agreed to have a call with my pastor & his wife where they would pray together with all of us. They were on speaker and dad was gracious enough to participate in the conversation. My pastor asked dad questions about his faith, beliefs, and about him in general. He then transitioned to the subject of death and Jesus. Dad was receptive to what was shared and we closed in prayer. Dad thanked me for arranging the call. I have no doubt in my mind that he took care of business with God as a means of saving his salvation after that call.
January 18, 2020…
3 weeks to the day from when we first arrived, dad drew his last breath. I cannot even form the words to describe the peace that covered me in the minutes and hours after his passing. Of course I cried when I broke away by myself but overall, I was held together like a brick house. It was literally the peace that surpasses all understanding as outlined in Philippians:
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
The minutes, hours, days, weeks, and now months have been an interesting journey since his passing. I knew of no other grief like this before his passing. Leaning into God, His word, and the people He has placed in my life has been a saving grace. The relationship with my siblings has been strengthened and my faith has increased. I'll be navigating these uncharted waters of grief probably for the rest of my life. God willing, I'll continue to lean into His promises and grieve in healthy ways until the day I step into eternal deliverance with Jesus. I may have lost my earthly father but I'm so grateful to know my Heavenly Father will make good of this experience. His Love will carry me until my last breath.
“When I’m at my best, I am my father’s daughter.”
